Men and Marriage

In the mid 1980’s, George Gilder wrote an interesting book called Men and Marriage. In it, he argues that marriage is the glue that holds civilization together because, without marriage, many men would be nothing more than barbarians within the gates. Since marriage has been so central to our everyday experience, we tend to accept the arrangement without thinking much about the dynamic behind the institution. Gilder seems to enjoy troubling our normal perceptions, however, by arguing that marriage permits women to transform the barbarian into the prince who then becomes the protector of the community for this and generation to come. In short, Gilder argues that women civilize men and that marriage is the structure through which this happens.

Gilder explains that young men are characteristically dreamers, warriors and adventurers. Without the self-limiting relationship fostered by marriage, young men would be content to do whatever they want whenever they want. Though the institution itself has changed over the past fifty years, marriage still generally defines the role of men as provider and protector; he has willingly allowed his own freedom to be circumscribed for the sake of love and mutual interest. And this bond creates the context for commitment that is the essential building block for the next generation.

While marriage may seem to some men like a sacrifice and a loss of freedom, it would be more accurate to describe the marriage bond as a transition into a new stage of life through a new kind of freedom. The dreamer does not vanish under a mountain of new domestic responsibilities; rather the new purpose behind the dreams changes by including others as part of the new dream narrative. A Man’s instinct for adventure is a good thing and it needs to stay alive, but devoting one’s life to the well being of the family and the generation to come is a greater thing because our entire civilization depends upon it. The adolescent boy may dream great dreams and he may yearn to be a superhero, but in most respects, these dreams find their most powerful expression in the form of a committed and loving husband and an involved and caring dad.